It’s twofold. I come home, overwhelmed with the day, burdened with the irritations that cover me and take my joy. But I sit down at my new yellow computer and open Docs. It takes a bit, I have to set “me” aside and instead cloak myself with one of my characters. Sometimes it takes music, a good coffee, a bit of wine or beer, another song but once I’m there, the movie explodes in my head. And that is the golden moment, when all I’m doing is writing the movie in my head. That’s when I soar above the day and my creativity takes me places I would never otherwise go and I become part of someone else’s life. It’s awesome and amazing. Writing is amazing. Where else can you live another life, become another person and live differently for just a little while.

It’s hard to reach that point but when I do, it’s hard to abandoned it and return to reality. It’s awesome.

I never knew what an Alpha Reader was until I perused FB groups. Once I learned, I pursued them. Much to my naive surprise 99% of people I asked, didn’t want to read what I wrote, even those who profess to love me. I assume that they assume I suck at writing and they don’t want to have to break my heart. On the other hand, I would read. And yes, I would pretend. I love them that much. I guess I found a way to measure love……LOL.

But, there are those 1%ers that will read. And read with honest feedback. This is invaluable. Ongoing feedback is so incredibly helpful to me. I see writing like digging a hole, when you’re in the hole (or in the fantasy of the world you created), you lose sight of the depth and width, you have no idea how deep it looks from above. Alpha readers give you that insight. From the very picky with notes on every paragraph, to the overall general view of “That was good, I liked it.”… feedback lets you know how the hole is going as you dig further and lose yourself. And when you write, the more you lose yourself, the better you write. Alphas allow me to dive into deep waters as they stand on the shore letting me know where I am.

But be careful. If you have a Male Alpha who is upset because your male character didn’t stop for lunch while making a six hour road trip, refrain from adding lunch stops all through the book. They are rabbit holes. As a writer you could quite possibly and happily dive into a world of interesting diner characters, interesting lunch menus and all sorts of side trips into plots that have no real place in your story. Hold your ground. No one ever died from missing a lunch.

I have learned foreshadowing. I have learned to go back and drop the tiniest of hints; a word, a response, a quick retort, that if the reader is paying attention, will warn of what’s to come. It’s fun. it’s like leaving breadcrumbs along the way.

In the beginning, it was extremely difficult if not impossible to find the balance. You don’t want to warn the reader but you need to leave the concept laying on the table so when it happens it doesn’t feel like a complete surprise. Im told that foreshadowing lay the concept to framing the upcoming event or issue. Originally that concept felt difficult, technical, and why is that a part of my writing?

It’s not hard to find the balance now. It’s even fun, like a sneaky child hiding something that their parents won’t or maybe find. It makes me happy that I’m comfortable with it now I see it as another sign of my journey and learning curve. I’m proud of myself. I’ve become pretty good at breadcrumbs.

Sometimes I settle in for the night, planning on editing a chapter and worry Im not in a good place. But also I worry that this work will never be complete in my own lifetime.

Today was long, with endless work and I’m tired. I’m also lonely and at this late hour, there is no time for human contact. I open the chapter that I’m working on and find it’s easy to dive in. The characters are familiar, I know their problems and concerns. I know them more than my family or friends. And I realize, these unpublished characters have become my closest people. I know them well and where they’re going, there is comfort in that. I feel at peace around them.

So I rewrite their scenes easily, as I find these people valuable and want them to have beauty in the words that bring them to life as they have brought beauty to mine.

You know you are near done with a chapter when as you reread, start adding page breaks and properly indenting conversations and paragraphs. These moves feel like the gift wrapping of the words before you give it away for reading.

You write a scene and know instantly that it’s wrong. You re-write. Nope, that doesn’t feel right either. You re write again.Nope. You take a break. It’s a little scene, not even a page long but critical. It affects the entire rest of the book. You are writing a small exchange between two characters, neither like you in personality. This leaves you feeling like you are adrift in the sea with nothing to connect to. You take another break, this time for a week. You come back. It’s so wrong, you decide being an author is stupid. You walk away….forever.

You come back with a plan to write the novel but will ignore that scene. The next song plays on YouTube and the mood of those characters creeps into your soul. You put the song on loop and your mouse moves you to that page. You start the scene fresh, the music plays, the cat doesn’t interrupt and you type. It completes in a single sweep then stop to reread. It reads perfect and tears drip down your cheeks, you have it right. It’s perfect. And you sit staring at the page. There it is, you imagined it, you crafted it, and you wrote it. And it’s perfect. You walk off to get tissue.

After spending twelve hours, rewriting, rewriting and rewriting again a six page pivotal scene, that never feels exactly right, struggling to find the perfect balance of drama and character struggle, add that one of your characters is a horse with no lines…..all I have to say for myself is…….

“Sure, I think I’ll write a novel, what a good idea.”…..<- (sarcasm)

Weren’t a lot of our best writers drinkers and drug addicts? I’m starting to understand why. I press onward.

Maybe I will blog about writing….… I have few people to talk to regarding the topic…..and maybe it will give me an outlet, a place to spill my energy and thoughts. I could title it “Writing Teisha” as a way of not actually giving away the title. I have so many blogs I don’t write now, isn’t this a bad idea?….. On the other hand, now with my life newly organized, and a deep love of writing filling my heart, spilling from my soul, even if the book is never finished, it would be nice to have my experience written out for reading later. When I’m elderly, feeble and still sitting here with an unfinished book that I was never able to finish, the journey will score me points. At least I explored myself as a novelist. At least I took the journey of which I had sought all my life since a child….That would feel respectable….How funny and ironic if the blog about the book became more popular then the book itself….HAHA, life can be twisted and filled with humor.

Apr 14 (#2) …..”Roman walked to the barn wrapped in the morning chill and his favorite sweatshirt.“…….. I think that’s an awesome opening line…. You’re welcome to steal it if you like. Im quite proud of it…..:)

Apr 14… I am struggling with the proposal scene. I have rewritten it from so many points of view; from his, from hers, from narrator. It never feels right. As I rewrite and rewrite, I think to myself that I should make lunch, I should pick up my taxes, the cat needs grooming, but I sigh. These are all stall tactics to avoid the battleground with this chapter’s difficult scenes… I’m not even hungry, why would I need to make lunch…. I’m stalling…. This is why writing is hard… or at least this is why you should actually be a writer before undertaking writing a novel….What was I thinking?…  and this is why I hit moments of saying…. Forget it… I’m not writing one…. who cares anyways……